Saturday, May 10, 2008

Frank Caliendo on Letterman Show during Impressionist Week

Cash Ambulance

Have you ever watched "Cash Cab" on Discovery Channel? If so, then you'll love "Cash Ambulance"!

Red Sox Fan...

A Red Sox fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Yankee
fan he saw strutting down the street in the obnoxious New
York
pinstripe shirt.

He would swerve his van as if to hit them, and then swerve
back just missing them.

One day, while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought
he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the
priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis Church, about two
miles down the road," replied the priest.

"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift, " said the driver.
The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and they
continued down the road.

Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankee fan walking down the road,
and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual,
he swerved back into the road just in time. Even though he
was certain that he had missed the man, the driver still heard
a loud, "THUD."

Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his
mirrors, but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the
priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "Sorry,
Father - I almost hit that Yankee fan."

"That's OK," the priest replied. "I got him with the door."

Life-Line Buttons

"I've fallen and I can't get up!". Remember those commercials, where Mrs. Fletcher was laying on the floor, pressed her "Life-Line" button, and help was immediately summonsed?

Don't get me wrong...I think the Life-Line button is a good thing for elderly people that live alone. It can mean the difference between getting help to you quickly, to lying on the cold, tiled, bathroom floor for 36 hours until someone notices that they haven't heard from you.

But what happens when they are activated mistakenly? Wait, how would that happen? Well, there's 2 ways that I'm thinking of. The first, is the person is at home, and either doesn't realize they pressed the button by mistake, (2 of the more noteworthy that I can recall is the person rolling over in bed and somehow activating it, or we used to have a woman who's cat would sleep on her chest, and either nibble or scratch the button, activating it. We would show up, and surprise the heck of them). The second, is that "somehow", the Life-Line is activated when the person isn't even home.

So, what happens? Life-Line is activated, they try to establish contact with the person, they cannot, they call the local Police, who activates the Fire Department and EMS. We all show up, to find a locked door. We pound on the door, yelling, and listen, and hear no reply, or no movement. So, what do we do? We have to make entry, to make sure the person isn't unconscious, or worse?

The Fire Department usually will either try to put a ladder to a window, hoping it's unlocked, or try to pry the door open, or try to "jimmy" the lock. Worse case scenario, the door has to be broken down. So, let's say, it's resorted to the door being broken down. We all enter the house/apartment, search every room, every closet, every space, and find that the person is not even home. We (EMS), quickly and quietly exit, and let the Police and the Fire Department fight over who is going to leave a note for the person, explaining why their door has been broken down, and who is going to pay for it.

It happens quite a bit. Again, I think the Life-Line buttons are a good thing...but if you're going to have one, just remember, like everything else, it can malfunction. And unless you have a "Knox-Box" type system in place (which allows the Police or Fire Department ONLY to have access to a key to your place), just know that you could come home to a broken down door, and a note describing why.

Friday, May 9, 2008

How The Fight Started...

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are
alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out
of the car...and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed
and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, then which
one are you...?'

. . . and that's when the fight started .

Monday, May 5, 2008

Anal Glaucoma

A guy calls in to work one morning to announce that he won't be in as he is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?", his boss asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma", he says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I just can't see my ass coming in to work today."

My Hypocrisy Knows No Bounds...

We dropped a patient off at the Hospital, and in one of the Trauma Rooms in the ER, they were working a Cardiac Arrest. We noticed that the guy looked fairly young. We went out to the ambulance bay and asked the crew that brought the guy in what the deal was. Talk about the Irony of Life coming back to haunt you:

He was a 42 year old Grave Digger, digging a grave at a cemetery, had the big one, and was found face-down in the hole he was digging!!!

I know...I know...I'm a sick bastard for even hinting that there is any humor in this. But, and I quote, "My Hypocrisy Knows No Bounds"!

My Hypocrisy Knows No Bounds...

The other night, I'm working on the ambulance, and it's 1:30am, I'm sound asleep in my bunk, and we get a call to a local nursing home for an unconscious person. We arrive, and are told that the patient has had a couple episodes of unconsciousness over the past 12 hours, and that bloodwork came back and some of his blood levels were off. I asked the staff-member (I won't call her a Nurse), "When was his last episode of being unconscious?", to which she replied, "Oh, at about 1:00am" (it's now 1:40am). I couldn't help myself with this comment...

"Ummmm...ok...I know it's been 15 years since I went to Paramedic School, but at 1:00am, what you are describing sounds like symptoms of SLEEPING!!!" She was not amused. I was not amused. Neither was the patient, when we had to wake him up to move him from his nice, soft, warm bed, to our cold and uncomfortable cot. He was as unconscious as I had been at 1:00am. But what can I say? I'm just a dumb Ambulance Driver. You call, we haul!

New Feature!!!

I am going to start a new feature to my blog, and it will be called, "My Hypocrisy Knows No Bounds". These posts will basically show my sick, sometimes perverted, always disturbed, sense of humor. I have recently been shown a couple of life's hilarious ironies, and it has driven me to steal the famous Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday in the movie Tombstone line, "My Hypocrisy Knows No Bounds". So...without further ado...