Some Jokes and Stuff

Get In Line

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual Funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am So sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

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Nudist Colony

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, did you call for me?' The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?' She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer. 'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'

The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked. 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.' 'Listen lady, I'm 70 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.

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10 Things Men Know About Women

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10. Women have breasts.

Gone Are The Days...

Can I just clarify something, right here and right now???

Gone are the days that going to the Hospital by ambulance meant that you were not only going to be brought right into the ER, but that you were going to be seen immediately. Long, long gone. This is a myth that everyone has bought in to, and maybe it was that way awhile back, but it no longer is. As Hospitals get busier and busier, and as people start calling 911 because they have a runny nose and a congested cough for 2 days rather than calling their own Dr (yes, that was my last ambulance run), more and more patients are being given a taxi-ride to the Hospital that costs hundreds of dollars, to be brought right out front to the waiting room, and go through the same triage process as if they had been driven in by car. My favorite is the ones that go by ambulance, get brought to the waiting area, and while we are moving them from the stretcher to the wheelchair, their family, who drove to the Hospital in their own car, walks in to stand by their loved one. Basically, they could have saved a few hundred $$$ by putting him in the car, and driving him themselves. And not tying up an ambulance at the same time.

Now please, don't get me wrong...there are definitely patients that NEED to go by ambulance. There are patients that SHOULD go by ambulance. There are patients that go by ambulance as a precaution. But there is a large number of patients that take the ambulance to the Hospital for one reason and one reason only: Because the taxi cab company's are smart enough not to accept MassHealth and Medicare for payment.

Just my $.02!

Rich People Bug Me

(Setting: A $500,000 house, with a Mercedes and a Lexus parked in the beautifully landscaped yard. The air, and decor, inside the house is so stuffy that you could almost cut it with a knife. It's Saturday, July 5th.)

"My husband is having chest pains! They started about 10 minutes ago while he was coughing! He's had heart problems in the past! I'm worried about him!".

"Thank you ma'am. So, Sir, can you tell me what the pain feels like?"

"It's a pain in his chest! I already told you!"

"I heard you ma'am, but if you don't mind, I'd like to talk to your husband."

"So, Sir, what were you doing when the pain started?"

"He was just sitting there, finishing dinner!"

"Ma'am, I appreciate your concern for your husband's welfare, but seriously, I need to speak to him, and only him". (At this point she gets really pissy at me)

(Deciding that it'll be easier to just get him in the back of the ambulance, away from Fidela Castro)..."Sir, let's take a ride to the Hospital and get you checked out".

"DO YOU REALLY THINK HE NEEDS TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL???" (Are you friggin' KIDDING ME? You called 911, remember? You didn't call for your amusement. You called because your poor, pussy-whipped husband hasn't been able to get a word in edgewise for the past 38 years that he's been married to you, and so you, as always, made the decision for him! Now you're questioning me as to whether I think he should go to the Hospital or not???)

"Sir", (I'm just ignoring her completely now, and have positioned myself between her and him...and I make a pretty good WALL!), "We're going to get you on this chair and bring you to the ambulance. I'm going to give you some Oxygen, and then I'll be doing a bunch of stuff on the way to the Hospital, but I'll explain everything to you".

"I want him to go to Mass General Hospital!"

"No, Ma'am, he's not going to Mass General. He's going to Salem Hospital, which is 4 miles away".

"His Dr. and all his records are at Mass General! That's where you're taking him! I'm calling his cardiologist, and he can make you take him there!"

"Ma'am, first of all, if your husband is having a cardiac event, then his best chances for survival are to be brought to the closest facility that is able to treat it. That is Salem Hospital. Secondly, he can be transferred to Mass General later on, if need be. Third, feel free to call his Cardiologist. It's a Holiday Weekend. When you get him on the phone, let me know."

(We get into the back of the ambulance, the wife goes with their son to follow to the Hospital)

"Wow, Sir, you sure have a very...caring wife".

"Are you kidding me? She's a bitch! Thank you for getting me out of there!"

He wasn't having a heart attack. He wasn't having an angina attack. Honestly, I think he just wanted a few minutes to himself...for the first time in 38 years.