Rich People Bug Me

(Setting: A $500,000 house, with a Mercedes and a Lexus parked in the beautifully landscaped yard. The air, and decor, inside the house is so stuffy that you could almost cut it with a knife. It's Saturday, July 5th.)

"My husband is having chest pains! They started about 10 minutes ago while he was coughing! He's had heart problems in the past! I'm worried about him!".

"Thank you ma'am. So, Sir, can you tell me what the pain feels like?"

"It's a pain in his chest! I already told you!"

"I heard you ma'am, but if you don't mind, I'd like to talk to your husband."

"So, Sir, what were you doing when the pain started?"

"He was just sitting there, finishing dinner!"

"Ma'am, I appreciate your concern for your husband's welfare, but seriously, I need to speak to him, and only him". (At this point she gets really pissy at me)

(Deciding that it'll be easier to just get him in the back of the ambulance, away from Fidela Castro)..."Sir, let's take a ride to the Hospital and get you checked out".

"DO YOU REALLY THINK HE NEEDS TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL???" (Are you friggin' KIDDING ME? You called 911, remember? You didn't call for your amusement. You called because your poor, pussy-whipped husband hasn't been able to get a word in edgewise for the past 38 years that he's been married to you, and so you, as always, made the decision for him! Now you're questioning me as to whether I think he should go to the Hospital or not???)

"Sir", (I'm just ignoring her completely now, and have positioned myself between her and him...and I make a pretty good WALL!), "We're going to get you on this chair and bring you to the ambulance. I'm going to give you some Oxygen, and then I'll be doing a bunch of stuff on the way to the Hospital, but I'll explain everything to you".

"I want him to go to Mass General Hospital!"

"No, Ma'am, he's not going to Mass General. He's going to Salem Hospital, which is 4 miles away".

"His Dr. and all his records are at Mass General! That's where you're taking him! I'm calling his cardiologist, and he can make you take him there!"

"Ma'am, first of all, if your husband is having a cardiac event, then his best chances for survival are to be brought to the closest facility that is able to treat it. That is Salem Hospital. Secondly, he can be transferred to Mass General later on, if need be. Third, feel free to call his Cardiologist. It's a Holiday Weekend. When you get him on the phone, let me know."

(We get into the back of the ambulance, the wife goes with their son to follow to the Hospital)

"Wow, Sir, you sure have a very...caring wife".

"Are you kidding me? She's a bitch! Thank you for getting me out of there!"

He wasn't having a heart attack. He wasn't having an angina attack. Honestly, I think he just wanted a few minutes to himself...for the first time in 38 years.